I've been listening to this song a lot for the past few days. It really speaks to me.
As the kingdom crashes
Cause of actions
You're a hangman now
Swallow dust and ashes
Wish you can dream
Shout your maniacal pleas
Saturday, July 5
Mom bought me this baby doll dress. She said it was a belated birthday gift. I didn't post what I wrote last week about the other baby doll dress I bought since I was doing birthday stuff, but here is what I wrote for Writing.com:
The last time I stepped into Urban Outfitters at the King of Prussia Mall in May 2013, I weighed in at 170 pounds. For readers that might not seem very heavy, but for someone who stands at 4 feet, 11 inches, 170 pounds is obese. As an overweight person from hypothyroidism and as an anti-depressant and anti-psychotic user, clothes shopping was always dreadful for me not only because of the weight issue, but also for the size of my breasts. Needless to say I often walked out of Urban Outfitters or Crash Bang Boom or any non-plus sized store empty handed.
I've always been a big breasted girl. At age 13 in seventh grade, I wore a 34 C bra; in high school I was closer to a D (mind you, this was before medications and thyroid issues, so I was still 105 pounds). I remember crying because I couldn't wear the cool sports bras that other girls my age could wear. I had to wear the boring adult bras that would support my C chest (ironically, a lot of girls envied me). My chest became something shameful to me. My breasts garnered a lot of unwanted attention from boys wanting to grab them and neighbors talking about how huge I was for a fourteen year old teenager at picnics. Of course, nan was worried about the size of my breasts because of my slight scoliosis, but I didn't have back pain and doctors never expressed concern.
As soon as I was put on medication and I was diagnosed as hypothyroid, my breasts measured in at 36 DDD. Coupled with the weight gain, family members talked about how unhealthy I am. Nan expressed some more concern, but doctors said despite the thyroid problems, I was healthy everywhere else. I often cried about my weight and nan often held me as she consoled me. I remember bawling one July afternoon and looking back, I feel selfish because it was right after she was diagnosed with advanced lung cancer and only had six months to live. We both just cried about our health, but as soon as I realized I was losing her, I just lost control. I felt hideous. The stretch marks I used to be made fun of for in elementary school were coming back, but this time they were redder and were all over me instead of just my legs.
On one cold afternoon in February 2012, my mom suggested getting me a minimizer so my breasts wouldn't look so big. Of course she often criticized about the weight and hated the fact I was on psychiatric medication because it made me look ugly. She bought me an ivory lace minimizer and I've worn it frequently since that day in February because even though, I rationalized at the time, I couldn't hide my ugliness as was evident when guys stood me up or chose a prettier girl, at least I could shrink my breasts. It didn't shrink the self-loathing, however.
I walk into Urban Outfitters today - June 28, 2014 - I'm off the psychiatric medications and focusing only on my thyroid. I've finally normalized it somewhat for now and I'm down to 140 pounds. I have clothes shopping for a wardrobe for my new life in Detroit come fall on my mind. As I button up the white baby doll dress, I am happy that I now fit into a large. There's a big smile on my face as I look in the mirror and quietly sing "Dirty Boots" by Sonic Youth - I'm ecstatic that Urban Outfitters is playing my favorite Sonic Youth song. Although I didn't buy that dress, I am quite happy with the large floral baby doll dress I bought at a steal for $20. And even though my breasts still measure at 36 DDD and I will probably never be at the weight I was in high school, I'm okay with that. The store clerk was right - I am beautiful in my own special way. I'm a survivor, a fighter, an artist, a writer, determined to move to the Midwest and an overall good person. That counts for a lot more than outside looks. Of course, I will still keep track of breast size because of scoliosis, but now I am healthy.
I wanted to look for Doc Martins to go with the dress. Mom and I saw these ridiculous shoes. They were fun to try on… but too high of heel for me!
Aww. We went to Petsmart and I was glad to see the chinchilla was out! I can't wait to move and adopt one.
I went swimming at my uncle's today. The water was perfect as was the day. I also loved seeing my uncle's chickens.
I love my uncle's chickens. The brown one is my favorite!
Sunday, July 6
Mimi came into my room this morning and jumped on my bed. She walked over to my pillow, then proceeded to the window. She tapped the shades for them to be opened. I like this picture of her.
I'm going to make blueberry pie and put cardamom in.
A stray cat came over to me and I made it friendly. Didn't leave at all tonight.
Edit: it's nan's old neighbor's cat who is a cat hoarder. Dad cried giving the cat back.
Monday, July 7
Since the library was closed for Independence Day and the weekend, this is what I was greeted with this morning. The bookbox was overflowing!
I wrote Norb or Mr. Fivesixer a letter last night and sent it off today. I'm nervous about it.
YAY! Mail for me!
I can't wait to listen to The Great Milenko.
Made the blueberry pie.
Tuesday, July 8
I am proud of something I worked on today:
Hot day, so I checked out and changed into my PJs early. I love those PJs.
Mom made whipped cream for my blueberry pie. It was so good.
Taken with my good camera before the battery died. I guess that's why it was blurring.
Other camera. This was after the lightning storms and heavy rains that almost made our electricity go out.
Wednesday, July 9
Getting ready for my Quicken interview.
Some notes I had prepared.
I hope I get it! I'll hear in 2-4 business days.
Oh, today was also Judy's birthday. Judy was a mentor of mine from Writing.com who was like family. She lived in Wisconsin and I told her summer 2010 I would take a trip to meet her and see the Packers. Her and nan were the best. Sadly, she passed away in January 2010. Here are the gifts she gifted me in 2008.
Judy and her granddaughter. Yeah, I miss her and nan!
Thursday, July 10
Used my free drink for my birthday and bought an iced caramel macciato along with a bagel and a Willie Nelson CD.
This octopus at Build a Bear was so cute… I wanted to build one! But, didn't.
Crystal blue water
The sun's rays lie over waves;
Cannonball! Splish splash!
Sadly, this poor guy didn't survive the storms. I found another in the pool that met the same fate.
A beautiful card came today from one of my friends at Writing.com wishing me a happy birthday and best wishes with the move. This made me smile. :)
Norbie received the letter I sent him and the awardicon I awarded him a few weeks ago on Writing.com! YAY!
Friday, July 11
Going to Bryn Mawr today after work to develop this beauty.
Neat place, but so expensive. My film will be available in 3-5 weeks. I explained I was moving, so if it's done after I move… I'll call her to tell her to mail it (I had to pay for it now… so it's not like I didn't pay for it).
Happy birthday, Patrick! I didn't get a recent one today because I feel like a pest sometimes. But, we hung out for a bit today. It was nice.
I will end this entry with this song, which we listened to on the way home.
It's been a tiring week… I can't wait to relax. Quicken called me back today, so after I finished work and before I got on the Rambler to go to the camera shop, I called back. However, there was another person with the same name and they connected me to her. I left a message and she called back while I was on the bus. When I arrived at the mall, I called her back and she went into loan talk and I was so confused. I told her about my parents, she couldn't find them and then I mentioned I was calling about a job. She said, "Oh! You wanted the other one! I'm in Cleveland and since you want to move to Michigan…" we laughed about it for a good five minutes, but she was nice when she said, "No wonder why you were concerned, don't worry you don't need a loan for a job! This happens often!" Nice woman; she gave me the right number and I left a message. Still nothing yet… hopefully Monday and I hope I didn't ruin my chances. However, I'm still laughing; I suppose when you've been looking for 7 months and trying to relocate… this is hilarious. Life… you have to laugh at it.