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Saturday, November 30, 2013


Every time I think about relationships, it becomes clear to me that I can't do them. They stress me out. Maybe it's the type of guys I usually fell for (a lot of issues and didn't have their lives together), but I don't know. I've been talking to a friend of mine and she told me about her ex boyfriend and I should talk to him. I can't add him on Facebook, but I followed him and we've been messaging each other for the past two weeks. This is how today went.

Yeah, I really can't do anything right now. The stress of this case, finding a job, trying to move, trying to find myself... it's just a lot. But the case is my biggest thing. Eh, it's okay, I don't know how I feel about guys more than a friend anymore. It seems like when I did date, I was just a toy that they tried to woe into bed and failed. They all found girls a few days after the breakups, so I guess I was just a distraction until someone better came along. :( 

Friday, November 29, 2013

Secret Life of Blogger's Blog Party 11/23-11/29

Saturday, November 23

My friend Hal started this event called "SELFIES" on Facebook. On Saturday I went to Caley, where I went to elementary school, and went on the swings. I do this every weekend when it's nice. For some reason, each picture I kept closing my eyes. I posted it anyway. I'm amazed how long my hair is getting. :)

Sunday, November 24

Mom took me to Barnes and Nobles and I found this book. It's a book of quotes. This book also inspired me to write this poem Screw Calm and Get Angry (An Ode to a Boy in Ohio).

This was taken before the winds came and blew all the leaves off of our Japanese Maple.

Tuesday, November 26

Selfie of me in my Detroit Tigers jersey!

Wednesday, November 27

I rocked my Pearl Jam t-shirt on Wednesday. :D

Thursday, November 28

Happy Thanksgiving! I am still working on a poem. I got really tired last night and today I'm a bit tired, but I will have it posted by tomorrow!

Jordy Nelson jersey!

The Packers lost again. :( Third time since losing my jacket. Damn, I guess that jacket was good luck. :(

Friday, November 29

We went to the Asher's Chocolate Factory today in Souderton, PA. This was a pure chocolate Santa. We thought it was cool, but for $350 it should be cool! I also bought my first Advent calendar. ^_^ Can't wait to start it on Sunday.

On our way home, dad put on this pop station. They were playing "Blurred Lines" and just really listening to the lyrics, yeah, it makes me cry to listen to that song. Here is a list of songs I really can't listen to right now:

Blurred Lines by Robin Thicke (lyrics)
Marry the Night by Lady Gaga (lyrics)
Monster by Lady Gaga (lyrics)
Here's to the Night by Eve 6 (lyrics)
1994 by Jason Aldean (lyrics)
One of my favorites, but I can't listen to the whole thing (I try... but I get to after Blaze Ya Dead Homie's part): Wasted by Twiztid (lyrics)

I rocked my Twiztid shirt today. I ordered another one, plus their tour DVD and a Twiztid flash drive. Since I spent over $50, I will be getting a poster signed by Mono and Jamie. Can't wait. ^_^

Thursday, November 28, 2013

Happy Thanksgiving!

I was going to write a poem, but right now I'm exhausted from eating turkey and drinking my eggnog with my rum. Maybe it'll help me sleep tonight, but it's been nightmares or panic attacks keeping me up. I had a glass of wine at dinner, but drank a lot of water with it. I still feel nervous about drinking, even though I was in the safety of my own home. Anyway, if I get a burst of energy later (I probably will, that happens nowadays), I'll write a poem and post it. ^_^

Since today is Thanksgiving and it's Thursday, I have a lot to be thankful for today. My cat Mimi has been by my side for the past 2.5 weeks. I've always loved my cats and I always say they can sense when you're in pain. There have only been a few times she left my side, but for the most part she will lay next to me on the couch and will just sit with me wherever I am. I am thankful for Mimi (and I was thankful for Olivia and my first cat, Woo and nan's Woo because they were all like that too).

I am also thankful for Monoxide. I love Jamie too, but there's something about Monoxide that has really helped me in the past few weeks. Both of their lyrics have been powerful and have been getting me through my days, but there is just something in Monoxide's honesty. As I wrote on Facebook and Instagram: I'm so thankful for this man. #MMFWCL Monoxide! #Love #InTwiztidWeTrust

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Thank you for being a big part of my life. <3 p="">

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

My Beloved Packers Jacket

It's not my best, but I'm trying to get back into writing. I might go back and add more details.

My beloved Packers jacket,
Hunter green with silver stripes, extra large.
It has accompanied me to Green Bay,
In the chilly August mornings
Touring the old City Stadium
Where the original team played through sleet and snow.
In the chilly August evenings,
Sitting on the bleachers in Lambeau’s beauty;
The scoreboard showing the Packers in the lead—
Despite the drunk guys hitting on me
And commenting on my Aaron Rodgers jersey
And yellow tights that resemble our beloved players.

Yet, my beloved Packers jacket
Has kept me warm in King of Prussia’s snows
Or walking through Philadelphia during Christmas
With the winds that whip from the buildings
And red my cheeks as I pose in Love Park.
But, I will never forget the times it warmed me,
When nan passed away last January
In the blizzard, the darkness that covered.

My beloved Packers jacket
Has watched me grow and mature,
It has seen me fall victim to devotion’s destruction
And although I left it behind
To run for my life and to escape hell,
I am lucky to be alive and though it makes me sad,
I will never forget the travels and comfort
And how I grew into that baggy jacket—
Although I will never see you again,
And although not all the memories are good,

I have to thank my beloved jacket for all it has done.

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Inspiration Tuesday 11/26/13

For Instagram, I used a picture of Everhart Park (and wrote: two weeks ago Colleen started something called Inspiration Tuesday. I've been posting pictures on my blog, but decided to do #inspirationTuesday on Instagram. I love #EverhartPark. This is the only non-school place I'm not afraid of going to anymore in West Chester. I love #writing about this park and many good memories with #friends.). I realized it was sort of a sad post and then "The World I Know" by Collective Soul played on my iPod. I've always loved Collective Soul and it reminded me about why I should be thankful (and it sort of helped my mood). I had an appointment today at the health center and after the nurse printed out the material about PTSD, she reminded me that I am a survivor and this is normal for a survivor.

I was telling her about nan and even my great grandma, mom's grandma (she died at 99.5 in November 2009) about how they were close to me. I was closer to nan, of course, but Great Grandma Mary was awesome too and we'd take the Rambler home from the Senior Center when I was in elementary school and we'd have dinner together. We'd also play Scrabble and just talk about books (she loved to read too). I always say to people that nan was my guardian angel that night and she was, however, I think I had more than one guardian angel that night. I know it's crazy talk, but I was loved by a lot of people that have passed on (Aunt Millie, dad's one aunt, Aunt Kelly, dad's other aunt, Great Grandma Mary, and a bunch of nan's friends that have died over the years) and I think they were watching over me that night. I never told anyone this: but I had a panic attack before I got out of there and I think that's what saved me ultimately.

So, this Thanksgiving I have something truly to be thankful about: my life. I know I said this a few weeks ago, but I truly mean it. Yes, some days are very depressing and I get angry, but I am thankful that I can still be here to tell my story (what I remember of it, anyway) and just have my friends, which I am also thankful for as well as all the wonderful people who have helped me through this.

Monday, November 25, 2013

Plans 11/25

I think for a bit I am going to post plans for my days (except Tuesdays and Thursdays as I have to be up at 4:45am for work) that way I can keep on track of things I need to do and you dear readers can help me. ^^

1.) Work at the library 9am-12pm.
2.) I'm going to bring my laptop today because I don't come home until 1pm, I am going to work on the second "Screw Calm and Get Angry" poem (I won't be posting that... if you want to see it, e-mail me:
3.) If time allows, write something else (if not, wait until after your walk home).
4.) Take a walk, but bundle up (it's freezing out there).
5.) Try some scrapbooking.
6.) Watch Adventure Time and Regular Show.

It seems like a busy day, so we'll see how much I accomplish! Oh, today is #mcm (Man Crush Monday) on Instagram. I'm going to start doing it again (it's been 3 weeks) to start getting back into my old life. Monoxide is my mcm and will be for a long while. ^_^

Sunday, November 24, 2013

Screw Calm and Get Angry (An Ode to a Boy in Ohio)

This is part one of my "Screw Calm and Get Angry" poems. I'm going to write another one about another person tomorrow. Let me know what you think (I will admit, it's not my best, but this is my feeling right now... just some anger).

Get Angry.


Last night I was talking to my friend Julie, a friend I have from Instagram. I can honestly say the few friends I made on Instagram have been great during this too. ^_^ Anyway, we were talking and she gave me some relaxing ideas. I remember I used to be artistic before the Risperadol and before nan died, I want to get back into it (especially since I'm off of the Risperadol). This is a list of what I want to do/accomplish today. I've been so exhausted lately, so I won't force myself, but I will slowly get into it.

1.) Eat breakfast (mom is cooking waffles and bacon... if I eat a full waffle, I will be good [haven't been eating much lately either]).
2.) Go dress shopping (I need a dress for graduation).
3.) Go to Barnes and Noble (I want to get the Vagina Monologues. I read it four years ago and remember loving it. The library I work for used to have it, but I guess it was stolen as people steal books from us from time to time).
4.) Start scrapbooking my Wisconsin trip (especially since nan bought me a lot of the supplies last year for Christmas and the 400 photos. Do it for her memory too).
5.) Write poetry (who cares if it's not Poe or Frost worthy. Don't be afraid to write, don't listen to what your poetry professor said last spring).

Somewhere in there I'll try to eat lunch too. I think mom said she's going to make soup. It's a cold and blustery day here, so I probably won't walk today and soup is perfect.

Also, I've been looking at pictures. Sometimes that helps me, especially remembering good times. I was looking at pictures from last holiday season, nan's last holiday season. Aww.

Yeah, I'm going to miss her a lot this year, but one of my old high school friends posted this today:

Friday, November 22, 2013

Linkin Park's Hybrid Theory

Linkin Park's Hybrid Theory was released on October 24, 2000. I remember first listening to them in January 2001 and just loved their style. I bought Hybrid Theory in December 2001. I've been listening to Twiztid mostly lately, but I decided to put this CD in my CD walkman other day for a walk. I haven't listened to it in 4 years (since my iPod was bought, I need to re-upload to my new laptop) and after listening to the CD, Hybrid Theory mirrors my situations perfectly. I will review my favorites

Papercut- I have always loved this song because I can get pretty paranoid. I think Bennington's and Shinoda's lyrics describe the feelings perfectly. I believe we all have these feelings from time to time.
Favorite lyrics: "A face that laughs every time they fall (and watches everything)"; "The sun goes down, I feel the light betray me."

One Step Closer- This was the first song I ever heard from Linkin Park. This is back from when the Box was still on TV. Every morning I would go to nan's house before middle school started at 8:10am. It was always between the news and The Box. That morning I watched the Box and One Step Closer came on. I fell in love instantly because back then I was always bullied and it just matched how I felt. I still feel like that from time to time; I felt like that the other night and I think I was a bit successful in getting my point across.
Favorite lyrics: "Everything you say to me takes me one step closer to the edge and I'm about to break;" "Shut up when I'm talking to you! I'm about to break!"

With You- I really liked this song 5 years ago and I'm rediscovering it. For those of you that know me well, you would get why I like this song. :)
Favorite lyrics: "A little taste of hypocrisy and I'm left in the wake of the mistake, slow to react"; "The sound of your voice painted on my memories, even if you're not with me, I'm with you."

Points of Authority- I've always liked this song too, especially the ego in it. Again, for those who know me well enough know why I should like this song. :)
Favorite lyrics: "You love the way I look at you while taking pleasure in the awful things you put me through. You take away if I give in, my life, my pride is broken."

Crawling- I discovered this song in Summer 2001 through Anna. She had the DVD Frat Party at the Pankake Festival. I have always suffered with depression and this was my depression anthem. I always thought the woman in this video was pretty. :)
Favorite lyrics: "Discomfort endlessly has pulled itself upon me, distracting, reacting, against my will I stand besides my own reflection, how I can't seem to find myself again..."

A Place For My Head- This is my anger song and listening to this is so therapeutic for me.
Favorite lyric: "You tried to take the best of me, GO AWAY!"

In the End- Another song I've always liked. For me this song is a reflection on life and how it is so short and if you think about everything that happens in your life, in the end we all die and does it really matter?
Favorite lyrics: Eh, I like the whole song and I think it's very meaningful to me and I'll post the whole song because I like it all.

(It starts with one)
One thing I don't know why
It doesn’t even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind, I designed this rhyme
To explain in due time
(All I know)
Time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away
(It’s so unreal)
Didn’t look out below
Watch the time go right out the window
Trying to hold on but didn’t even know
I wasted it all just to watch you go

I kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to be will eventually be a memory of a time when...

I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter

One thing, I don’t know why
It doesn’t even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind, I designed this rhyme
To remind myself how
I tried so hard
In spite of the way you were mocking me
Acting like I was part of your property
Remembering all the times you fought with me
I’m surprised it got so (far)
Things aren’t the way they were before
You wouldn’t even recognize me anymore
Not that you knew me back then
But it all comes back to me
In the end

You kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when...

I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter

I've put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
For all this
There’s only one thing you should know
I've put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
For all this
There’s only one thing you should know

I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter

Thursday, November 21, 2013

Thankful Thursday 11/21

As Mark says in "Man Overboard," "You're out of line and rarely sober; we can't depend on your excuses 'cause in the end it's fucking useless" and the meme above, I had to learn these lessons the hard way in the past two weeks. Things are done with Steven; not doing selfishness when I needed him and well, yeah I showed him more love than he showed me. To the people who got me into this mess: forget them. I have one focus right now and I'm going to focus on that.

I also want to thank all my friends who have been here for me for the past two weeks (Andrew, Hanan, Dave, Christina, Jeremy, Claire, Caeli, Brittany, Janine, Taylor, Chris, Straw Beary, Deb and Deanna) and all the support I have received from other people as well. ::hug:: I don't know where I'd be without you all for the comfort and thank you for checking up on me everyday. It has been a roller coaster, but time will heal all. With all your help, I will get through this and I'm so thankful to have all of you in my life! Words can't express all the gratitude I have, but I am so grateful. ^_^

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Inspiration Tuesday

It's not a picture for this Tuesday, but my friend Ahmed posted this article and I thought it was hilarious.

Cat Summoned For Jury Duty

My favorite comment: "Put the cat in front of the defendant, if he hisses they are guilty!"

Monday, November 18, 2013

Why is this so hard?

Yesterday I think was my angriest day ever since this whole mess happened. I know the antibiotics cause mood swings; I'm done the one tonight, one on Wednesday and one on Friday (can't wait!). I told Andrew and a few others yesterday, "Fuck Steven! There's no excuse he or anyone else in his family hasn't contacted me. They just don't care and are ignoring me and I don't need that." Well, today I had a little change of heart. I follow Post Secrets and they posted something that has been the most shared:

"I love you.

That's my secret.

No hearts, No pretty drawings.
No poems or cryptic messages.

I love you."

Yeah. I dunno, I want to re-read the love letter he wrote me, but if I do, I cry. He drew stuff for me and sent me some of his drawings.  I'm not going to send the letter that I posted last week. I just don't know how received it would be and I just need time. This whole bullshit is complicated. I think it would be complicated without him, but Steven just complicates it even more and it makes it so damned hard. Steven was the first person I loved and everyone I talked to said it's the hardest to get over. Just reading that Post Secret made me cry. He wanted to marry me; we were going to live together. I guess it was just another pipe dream.

I meet with my therapist tomorrow (and again on Thursday). I'm going to talk to her about this along with what happened. It's just so hard and I want to cry.