Custom Search

Welcome!

Welcome to my blog!

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

What do you think?

I am going to add some more, but what do you think?

Well, I walk upon the river like it's easier than land. Alone. Littered among her were people, drunk people, sober people, all people glowed in the dark as the Corona or Bud Light or Miller neon lights shone down upon them. Alone. That's all that she felt, alone among the people. The band was playing, the guitars were humming, the basses were blaring and the drums droned. Tonight was the night that her beau played. Well, technical he wasn't her beau, but it was her fantasy. Loneliness laughed at her.

His friends sat at the other end of the bar. They were watching his band play. "We're going to play for you, a cover by the Tallest Man on Earth," his brother had said into the mic. She wasn't paying attention, her attention was on his friends that sat there, half drunk. They were too far, a distance that seemed like eternity, that even when sober they wouldn't notice her. They never noticed her, unless they wanted to pick on her, that's how it was in grade school.

Trembling, her knees became weak, yet her legs still raced up and down; she wished she could run. They scared her. You're a psycho, they yell out in the halls, just look at you, you're psychotic. You can't do anything right and you creep people out. No one likes you, just stay away from people. The words stabbed her heart ten times over. Alone. She shivered as the cold December air blew on her. Someone had just walked through the door and joined the crowd of people drinking to their good times; no one was drinking to their sorrows, time was too good for that. She watched from the dark corner, the bright lights and tears blurred out the shadows of those monsters.

4 comments:

  1. I'd like to read more. What's this for? :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm finally going to finish Love is All for my creative writing class. :)

      Delete
    2. Ah yes, sorry for forgetting. :/ I hope to see the end! :D

      Delete
  2. Littered among her
    I don't see "among" used with a singular word immediately succeeding it often. Like, I generally see it like in the phrase "among us". Also, when I think about it I go for "amongst" more than "among" for some unknown reason.
    Maybe "around" is clearer?

    Adverb necessary!!
    Well, technical he wasn't her beau, but it was her fantasy.
    Technically.

    I don't think you communicated the feeling well in the sentence They were too far, a distance that seemed like eternity, that even when sober they wouldn't notice her.
    Perhaps an addition before "that" so far? It makes it a little clearer.

    This excerpt honestly makes me upset.
    Why doesn't the main character do anything but reflect on loneliness?
    I want to urge her to act rather than sitting there crying over something she can so easily fix.

    ReplyDelete